I Talk, You Listen.
Thursday, June 02, 2005

A Day In The Life of J.R.R. Tolkien

So what have we learnt on April 19th 2005?

It is good to see the world I painstakingly created come to lucid vivid life.

Just a little background on what I am famous for: 'The Red Book of Westmarch' or more commonly known in the world of Men as the 'The Lord of The Rings' hexad, was something that I had started to work on since 1937. I did it because children like your grandparents loved 'The Hobbit' and wanted to know more about bloody elves and orcs and whatnots that can never roam under the sunlight. Released soon after the War ended, my book was read by millions, loved by billions. What started as letters that I was writing to my son who was serving in Africa with the RAF is now considered a masterpiece of fantasy and heroic pirouette.


You think I am bragging about my work? The legions of fans at my doorstep do not seem to think so.

Not so chatty now, eh?

So I was invited to reincarnate my piece of work. Rachel(TM) buttered it onto my undead spirit to get to work and to come out with something in the area of team-building for a Christian camp. Ridiculous - it's a Christian camp, but they wanted it to have some secular villainy hovering around. Ironic. Since I would get paid for the event and garner much more stature and self-confidence amongst the undead community (haven't been getting my share of respect ever since I died in '73), I took the job.

And then I got to work - almost immediately, which is to say around 2.5 weeks later, if you catch my perspective of time and leisure. I had some ideas here and there but overall it was just all groundwork and no action. So, as to not waste anymore precious time, I did what every evil genius in an organization starts with first doing - recruitment.

"Dementors and Dementees,

So, you will be part of a death-defying-revolutionized-rpg-game-that-doesn't-reek-of-cf-2003. Think of it this way, YOU GUYS ARE BETA TESTERS!

Her Majesty's(TM) Service,

I got 7 pathetic-looking goons. At the risk of either them or their own girlfriends/boyfriends giving me a major face lift, I shall say this again - you, pathetic useless GOONS!

None were helpful. No, none actually paid much respect to their poor old employer sending e-mails to them. I was trying to maintain some good PR before we got on to work. A good dictator has to start somewhere, doesn't he? To contradict some of my previous sentences, yes, there were the few who DID reply. And for that, I thank you for being my shoe shiners. But for the rest of you, I loathe you. Gloomy, it seemed, as if Mordor cast its shadow once again on the land of Men.

Things seem to look up when I had my regular checkups in the mortal realm and ate edible beef jerky. I realized I had to pen down my ideas real quick and that I needed a great walking human LOTR encyclopedia to proof read everything I say or do so I will not offend my legal lawyers who sue everyone just to feed their insatiable hunger. At least this morning glory spotted the mistakes I made (spelling, story inconsistencies and mispronunciation of names) and corrected them all, if not most of them before it was made public. You got your reward in the form of the recent StarWarsEp3 costume contingent unlimited access to Employees Only places. See? Who says working for me doesn't take you places? Stepping stone to stardom!

What I was missing was this. I needed someone who will play the villain in the game. Someone who will be respectable and whom orders are well carried out and taken heed of. Someone with moral integrity. Someone less contraband than methamphetamine. Someone who might still bring a smile on hobbit faces while maintain a steady iron grip of the game. Voila, Sauron!

I personally requested for a night out of the campsite to a haven for a grueling 5.5 hour briefing with the 9 that lasted till early 6am (at least for me). Some had started meeting Isabel in their dreams half way in the meetings - my eyes hurt when I saw boners.

The next day I woke wide awake and realized I had an amazing 45 minutes of dreamless silence. We had our breakfast and got to work.

Basically the game can be broken into 2 different events.

Firstly, everyone will be divided into 4 hobbit groups and their aim is to live a very materialistic, modern and hedonistic lifestyle - be the richest buncha hobbits in the game. It had to start sometime; I had to educate the little creatures on business bartering. So we give them all a number of 1 cent coins and they will have to use their talents to gain more. This is how it is done: find another 2 opponents from rival groups and then the 3 of them will flip their coins and the one with the odd one takes the other 2 coins. Simple, huh? Yes, I ripped this off from another game. Sue me.


Thought you wouldn't dare.

There are 2 major things that the hobbits have to look out for when they are busy gambling: 'Marketplace Open!' and 'Marketplace Closed!' When it is opened you can run out of your clan grounds across the field and do business in the marketplace while various situations can be activated like Taxation, Prosperity and the occasional get-more-coins-if-you-do-this-for-me. The danger is when the marketplace gets closed down. Sauron will ring a bell and everyone will have to scamper back to their hobbit holes. Aha, here's where my goons come in. They become orcs who will capture those running back through the field and populate the slave trade. Then, you can bid and buy them back in a directly humiliating auction.

I am so into this.

The second part of this game is where the heroes in my book come into play. For the first half of the game we had sessions where the first 9 to reach 'Rivendell', will be the fellowship of the ring. One had to die since Gandalf 'died' during the stunt with the Balrog, remember? Go read my book. Or go watch Peter Jackson's rendition of my masterpiece. He ruined it. During the second half of the game we had another 8 'heroes' running around. Now, hobbits, if you thought all I planned for this game was just torture you with coin tossing, solving riddles, building presents or presenting a queen for Sauron, here's something for your puny minds:

Your friends were busy out there breaking their necks solving quests so that they can come back and morph into Elves and Orcs; who can protect you or attack opponent yous during 'Marketplace Closed!' There. Twist added to the interactive part of the game. To end the game, the tenth phase - the finale war of my sixth book, was kicked into overdrive. Not to say that I wasn't prepared for what I had pictured in my mind, but nothing could have prepared me for this spectacle.

War! I got the rival groups and with all their hobbits, orcs and elves, gave them one final instruction. In the field were the 7 goons dressed up as Nazguls who will attempt to kill as many hobbits as possible provided 2 orcs and 2 elves kill them at one go. The bad guys were going to go down so why not go down with style and take some with them?

It was total mayhem. Frodo, the Slave Trader and I had immunity from all this.

And then it was Sauron's turn to be taught a lesson since Isildur maimed his finger eons ago.

Tolkien's shell wasn't spared either.

That's a wrap guys. Elen Sila Lumenn Omentilmo. I can set sail for the Grey Havens once again but now with a billion thankyous for making this happen.

A conundrum, because I said I hated you.

Within 30 minutes I was snoring away.

That's what we - (ah, scrap this.)

posted by onions at 04:07


Blogger square said...

Yours posts, I noticed, lags more than one month after its happenings. Does your brain just processed events really slow?

11:21 AM  

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