I Talk, You Listen.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005

My Fish Have Suicidal Thoughts

So what have we learnt today?

What's it like to finally reach the second-identical-numbered-dual-digited age of twenty-two?

I still haven't got laid.

Plain and simple. I made a vow that I would last year and went around CF (of all great places to ask) if anyone would wanna spend a night with me in eternal bliss. Yes, I am a virgin. One of my biggest dreams was to finally settle down and have a wife of my own and shag her brains out everytime I can. Perhaps I should add some violence into the scene with us throwing plates at each other and arguing about whether we should have salad or steak for dinner but at the end having each other for dinner.

But that would be a different post.

For now I am still a man, I mean, BOY, of oh-so-high moral integrity with no inspiration to get on bed with any girl. For the time being. Yes, I rave on and on about sex but to tell you the truth, fleeing would be a better option if I encounter a girl flaunting her boobs. Jerk.

Sorry to dissapoint you guys out there. Screw me if you will. But I still think premarital sex is wrong. So what was I talking about sex for my birthday for?

There are times when your bodily needs overpower your need to abstain and when that happends it is lust. Just sex and there is no real intimacy of the heart, I guess. I prefer to think that when I finally unzip my zippers... Well Doctor Phil here will not bore you will scientific research on the number of babies born out of wedlock and child abortion. So I will also not dwell into WHY WE SHOULD HAVE SEX ON YOUR TWENTY SECOND BIRTHDAY.

Until then, God be my guide for my thoughts and actions.

Elsewhere.

Adun Toredas.

I will soon go into "YAY! Today I did so and so for my birthday!" or "HUZZAH! I received this and that for my birthday!" if you know me. I'm just gonna sit down, take a deep breath and explain why I had one of the most exasperating and not to mention, presents-gallored, birthdays I ever had. So if there are guys reading this, THIS IS NOT GAY.

Within two days, I watched two movies, Willy Wonka the Amazing Chocolatier and Wiggly Noses.



The former was a eye-candy worthy of more (praise/skepticism) as I watched it with half a brain of kids network while the other half was in a dark somber mood of horror. Most of the time when I was watching it, I felt like I was in my make believe pyjamas, listening to mom reading me an incredibly weird children technicolour book to put me to sleep. At times, it would frighten me as to believe some kid would fall into the grinder, intestines pooping out, while the brain gets packaged with the chocolate that I am chewing on now. Let me give you an example:

-Kids Brain Version

Veruca enters Willy Wonka's nut-sorting department and sees a mightly number of squirrels. The squirrels help sort the nuts by discarding the rotten ones and breaking open the good ones. She insists that she wants a squirrel, dad ignores her, and she takes the initiative to climb down to grab herself one. All the squirrels retaliate, jump on her (suprisingly no scratches on her body AT ALL) and forcibly hold her limbs down. The squirrel that she wanted to grab climbed on her body, knocks his fist on her head to check if she is a rotten nut or a good nut. As a kid, I would want her to be a good nut more than a rotten nut as the word 'GOOD' is synonymous with a happy ending.

-My Version After Watching/ Reading To Much Weird Stuff In MY Life

Veruca enters Willy Wonka's nut-sorting department and sees a mightly number of squirrels. The squirrels help sort the nuts by discarding the rotten ones and breaking open the good ones. She insists that she wants a squirrel, dad ignores her, and she takes the initiative to climb down to grab herself one. All the squirrels retaliate, millions jump on her (scratching and biting onto her body); blood splattering everywhere in the room while they forcibly hold her limbs down. The bones crack. The squirrel that she wanted to grab claws up to her chest; feet leaving blood marks on her dress, knocks his fist on her head (THWOK!) to check if she is a rotten nut or a good nut. As myself, I would want to see her as a good nut more than a rotten nut because they will be able to peel her from her shell and then use her insides for chocolate.

Now that's how my brain works. Scared yet?

Everything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong. Hey, I learnt it from 'Armageddon'.



As for Wiggly Noses. I suggest you just go watch it on your own, I'm not a film critic and I believe I have done much more harm than good by just giving away a spoiler for Chocolate Factory above.

Back to my birthday celebrations.

My university President declared a long weekend break with a two day (Thursday and Friday) holiday because of the (okay, I'll just conform and write it about it like you all anyway) HAZE. The air was intolerable and I was already moaning sick by Tuesday night. The mention of a holiday being set into motion a day before my birthday was enough to lift my spirits from my bed as I took it as a sign from the heavens to have a great long party. And party I did, in my own sense. I nearly died of exhaustion. Point form plese:

1) I didn't realize I had passed into my birthdate when Lisa called me on my phone during my umpteenth time DOTAing in SS15 with the guys.

2) You know how much I like free stuff. You just have to bring me a pencil from an E3 booth and I will set my Chewie-life-debt mode on myself for you. Surprise, I was greeted by a free 3 hours of DOTA by a new blogger that has just entered the scene.

3) SMSes began pouring in. This year I receive so many SMSes, I think I can rival the Malaysian Idol "SMS ME!" Finals.

4) Girls called.

5) Offers for excursions appeared and I was at a lost for choice. Imagine you have been given a day to shop for anything you want with no monetary expense.



6) I had Chillis courtesy of Miss Look-At-Me-Colour! who presented me an amazing piece of art of a Jedi levitating a lightsaber. Nerds, you say.

7) Still more girls called later the day.

8) Had my sister over to watch Charlie's The Lucky Kid with us. My sister was like "Huh?" when this trailer came on. Never did I know I would live to see this day.



9) Someone who sleeps under me had bought me a legion of well, 3 Hot Wheels cars. Now I'm vrooming it around the room in their packages since I do not want it to gather dust.



10) Chopsticks are supposed to mean long life, huh? I still prefer a hug. No?

11) My ex-classmates called me out and threw me a birthday bash and called me a WIMP when they forced me to bite out the candles out of the cake they bought. I still have some in my fridge. Want some?



12) A fish bowl with 4 fishes alive after the other four commited suicide. Also a gift from my friends out of MMU who are working. Man, they want me to be a dad so fast? I'm still recovering from the shock of me having pets.



I later found the culprit.

13) Okay, ONLINE WISHERS! You sick bastards! What does it take to SMS me?

14) YAY! More girls on the line. Gosh, I'm such a pervert.



15) Fellow 12-14th August birthday babes in CF NOW INCLUDE: Weeliem (who gave me a Porsche Carrera GT miniature for Rm19.99), Desmond (who gave me nothing, but an SMS), Alicia (a phone call), Ken (I take it the KFC after church on Sunday is a gift from you) and Jacintha (Bookmark? What does it symbolize? That I can't keep my perspective in a book well enough?)



Right now I'm still eagerly awaiting for my CG an my Sci-Fi Club in KL to deploy their best bash for me. Yes, I want that girl and that lightsaber. And if you're thinking of waxing my legs or giving me the royal flush - that would be refreshing.

And you can bring your presents if you want to. I will definately repay you one way or another. Yeah, that's what humans do, we do something and secretly wish the person will do the same for us one day. Insincerely you.

I'm sorry if I bored you guys. Kill all humans! But I'll let you live since it's my birthday.

That's what we learnt today.
posted by onions at 02:16

11 Comments:

Blogger Dee M said...

I wished you in my blog.TOo bad no photo of you or else,definitely a photo to show there.

11:00 AM  
Blogger knight_walk said...

Happy belated birthday!

11:40 AM  
Blogger square said...

waiting for a bash from cg huh? Anyway, happy right? This year birthday doesn't fall on the study week like it always have been last time

12:45 PM  
Blogger 0n10n5 said...

golly! well wishers! wuff wuff!

2:37 PM  
Blogger ~tha~ said...

Hey, don'tlar kutuk my present. It's full of effort you know...haha.. How often do u get a handmade bookmark from a girl?
Anyway SOOOOoooo sorry once again for the colour of the bookmark. I...I... forgot... So sorry.. sigh.
Thought of doing another one to replace that one....
You take care ya....
*bearhugz*

3:29 AM  
Anonymous edge said...

When twenty four years old you reach, look as good you
will not. Hmm?

9:50 PM  
Blogger zefiriel said...

ah, sorry for being one of the cheap online WELL WISHER b*st*rd. I have to save every cent I could. :P
And sorry to disappoint you. no bash, no that girl, and no lightsaber. this is what you get from your weirdo successor. *grin*

1:54 AM  
Blogger Leo Koo said...

nice post! :) keep it up man

7:13 AM  
Blogger def-unct said...

lalalalalla..i've got the same car, but it's blue *blergh*!!

1:24 AM  
Anonymous andrea said...

oooops.. SORRI!!! happie bdae jiawern! i think ur fishies in a glass are a cool present ;P

12:08 PM  
Blogger 0n10n5 said...

jackie! where's my new bookmark!?

10:47 PM  

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